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Zone's Eye View of "Bones" |
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Synopsis of movie, courtesy of New Line Cinema: Black as night and hard as stone Gold-plated deuce like the King of Siam Got a switchblade loose and a diamond on his hand They took his life, he never rested in peace Now his vengeance will be unleashed The time is 1979. Jimmy Bones (Grammy-nominated rap superstar, Snoop Dogg, in his first starring role) is a legendary protector and patron of his thriving urban neighborhood. Cool, handsome and respected, Bones is the benevolent caretaker of his people, until he is betrayed and murdered by those closest to him simply for refusing to cooperate with them in a plan to begin dealing crack cocaine to the local populace. Flash forward to the present day… Crime and drugs have crumbled the neighborhood and Jimmy Bones has become a feared legend, a charismatic emblem of better times but also some one whose very name evokes dread. His once elegant brownstone, the dwelling in which he was brutally killed, remains standing but has become a decrepit, abandoned memorial to it’s former owner. Those who have stayed behind in the neighborhood, including Bones’ woman Pearl (Pam Grier), whose love for her murdered man still burns bright, and Shotgun (Ronald Selmour), Bones’ right-hand man who has never forgiven himself for not having the courage to die an honorable death protecting his friend, give the place a wide berth -- it’s well-known that strange happenings surround the house, and that those foolish enough to pass through it’s doorway often don’t come out. As fate would have it, the sons of Bones' old friend Jeremiah (Clifton Powell), one of those who betrayed him, find their way back to this very house. In the intervening years, Jeremiah has made good, left the ghetto behind and moved his family out to the suburbs. But unbeknownst to Jeremiah, his enterprising sons Patrick (Khalil Kain) and Bill (Merwin Mondesir) have returned to the old neighborhood to open an after-hours nightclub, buying the gothic structure where Jimmy Bones still lies buried in the basement — and where his tormented spirit has continued to claim dominion all these years. But the brothers, along with their step-sister Tia (Katharine Isabelle) and friend Maurice (Sean Amsing), are blissfully unaware of the danger and eagerly move in, anxious to fix the place up and get their dance club happening. However, no sooner do they cross the threshold of the cursed edifice than a series of strange and unexplainably terrifying events begin to take place, and soon it becomes shockingly clear that Jimmy Bones is staging a comeback...and he's hell-bent on revenge, intent on tracking down and visiting vengeance upon all those who betrayed him. But Bones’ tortured spirit is also drawn back to this world by the love that once guided his life - his love for Pearl, the woman who has remained steadfast in her devotion to him and who has raised his daughter, Cynthia (Bianca Lawson), a child born after his death and someone he’s never known. Now for The Zone's Eye View By Laura Alber A ridiculous cheesy horror movie gone to the “Doggs”. Snoop Dogg evidently had this movie written with him in mind. So, I guess they see him as a Pimp Dressing Gangster from the 70’s? And, such a waste to cast Pam Grier and turn her “back” into Foxy Brown. The woman actually does have talent, why not use it instead of abusing her character formed 30 years ago? This is ‘supposed’ to be a supernatural thriller/horror movie about Jimmy Bones (Snoop Dogg) the neighborhood matriarch, coming back from the dead to get revenge on those who killed him 30 years ago. Instead, we see a lot of Fedora hats, gold jewelry, diamond rings, fur coats, Caddies, and the most ridiculous effects I’ve ever seen. The movie actually begins pretty good, it tells the story of how Jimmy Bones was killed, and moves us into the future with 4 young and ambitious kids who want to buy the building which houses the buried “Bones”. They want to turn it into a nightclub. The rest of the neighborhood knows about the building and won’t get anywhere near it, and even when the kids ask about the building, everyone seems hesitant to tell them the story, and how there have been so many deaths there anytime anyone goes into the landmark. Of course, if they told them, we wouldn’t have a story. The kids start on the construction of the nightclub (which miraculously gets done in record time), and open for business. The club is packed, with what must be “out of towners” because none of the neighborhood folk would have shown up. Everything seems to be going well until the dog (who is actually Jimmy Bones’ spirit) gets hungry and wants to wake the actual Jimmy who is buried in the basement below. Each time the dog eats (yes, humans), Jimmy begins to start coming back to life. Pam Grier plays the neighborhood psychic who was also Jimmy’s girlfriend, and has a look of terror on her face throughout the entire movie (like I said, waste of good talent). She knows that one of the boys that bought the club likes her daughter, but doesn’t seem freaked out enough to keep an eye on her 24/7, because of course, the daughter sneaks out and attends opening night at the club. She has no idea that Jimmy Bones was actually her father. By this time, the noisy club has masked all the screaming by the victims of the “Dogg”, and Jimmy Bones has now been resurrected. It is at this point that it looks like they took anything “horror” they could find in the way of special effects and threw it in the movie. We have thousands of maggots falling from the ceiling, blood that looks like it was just thrown out by the bucketfuls, and a necropolis looking wall with animated figures reaching out to anyone close enough. Jimmy Bones makes his way up the stairs and torches the basement, thus making the nightclub go up in flames and it becomes his own little “other world” according to Pam Grier. In other words, Hell. We flashback some more to see the faces of the men that killed Bones, and back to the present day to see Jimmy strutting the streets looking for each one of them. Then we get the privilege of watching him carry the heads of the still talking killers, as he goes after the last one, who happens to be the main kids father. He is carrying on conversations with the 2 heads as they are still trying to “make deals” with Jimmy to let them live (ok, yeah, I’d want to live too if I only had a head!). More blood, more guts spewed on the floors, more terrible effects later and we finally get to Pam and her daughter. The daughter automatically goes to Jimmy as though hypnotized, and Pam realizes that Jimmy only lives because he was buried with her torn dress, which had his blood on it. So, what do you do? Torch the dress! Only thing is, you should probably take it off first. As ridiculous as this sounds, it’s even worse to actually watch. If you feel like wasting good money, go for it and rent it, otherwise save it for a GOOD movie! The Zone gives “Bones” a whopping 1 out of 10. No reasons necessary, I think I covered them all in the review.
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